pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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