there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
