woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
