If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
