Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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