i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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