Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
