I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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