Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
