I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
