well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
