There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
