Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
