if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
