You're completely useless in the revolution.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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