i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
