Having a random hookup so left but love u
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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