im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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