dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
