im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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