I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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