I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
