all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
