I just pynch a tree in the face
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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