I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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