Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
