i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
home. puking in laundry basket.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
