Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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