I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
