you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
