I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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