trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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