Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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