You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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