If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
