Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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