Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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