No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
