my mouth tastes like poor choices
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
