I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
