I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
