she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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