I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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