Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
