Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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