God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
