Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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