the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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