please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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