i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
