im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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