I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
