i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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